


Tell me one more beautiful lie

by Solrey



Series: Advent-time specials [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Death, Fear, Guilt, M/M, Major Illness, Snow, Time Skips, Triggers, Unrequited Love, a tiny little fluff, happy first advent, i'm deeply sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-05 05:37:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16804666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solrey/pseuds/Solrey
Summary: The adults where right when they had told him that you only know the value of something or someone as soon as you lose them, because then you actually understand what you took for granted when you lose it. It hurts even more when you know that there is no way of getting it back, no matter what.





	Tell me one more beautiful lie

**Author's Note:**

> Happy first advent (well in Germany it's tomorrow not today but whatever.)  
> Well... I had planned something else but I want to post it now so... here you go.  
> I warn you, this might trigger people because this has a major character death and an implied suicide!!  
> Don't read this if you are uncomfortable with it.
> 
> For the ones who will read it, this marks the fifth pair with Felix I wrote, Chanlix.  
> Enjoy.

The rain fell against his window, dripping down and hitting hard against the glass. The wind was enormous, fitting through every split in the house. Weird sounds could be heard from all directions, while the thunder came down more than a dozen times, lighting illuminating the dark sky. Clouds hung high up in the sky, colouring the sky in an almost completely dark grey colour, just a few times was it possible for the sun to break through. Horrible weather conditions in Seoul. It went like this for the last few days, turning the streets in small rivers and the life of many people in a mess. 

Seoul was a mess.

He was a mess.

Maybe the world was crying with them; with him. 

It was nearly a year now and he couldn’t get over it no matter how hard he tried to. A year and the pain was still very vivid in his heart. The painful day written down in his memory, his thoughts seemingly wandering back to that specific day many times. The haunting imagine being played over and over again in his head, bringing him sleepless nights.

A snowflake had fallen on Felix’s nose that day, surprising both of them. With a laugh he had touched it before it melted on his nose, leaving behind a wet trail of water. They were out that day, had free time on their hands so they had decided to walk around a little and enjoy the ending autumn. It had become cold over the past weeks, the air almost freezing for their skins but at that moment, they did not care for it. Having time for each other was limited and doing stuff outside off work almost impossible. Being an Idol has it peaks and downs, for sure. So spending time with the younger that day felt good and relaxing, his mind finally at peace; resting.

The time he spends with the younger was something he always treasured, enjoying their alone time. Back then, he would have never acknowledged that his feelings for the younger weren’t entirely platonic. He was to afraid what could have happened if he not only acknowledged them but even confessed, the few words never left his mouth. His fear overcame him many times, holding his feelings back, sucking up the pain that rose in his chest. As a leader of a group, an idol group, he had the role to keep them together, to protect them and give them a home. The thought of the group braking up because of him made him sick back then, so much that he would overwork himself. The only goal in mind was to lose his feelings for the younger while protecting his group – meaning the people he cherished as his family. He shouldn’t feel more for a family member but he did.

Today he would do everything to have the younger again at his side and tell him how he really felt that time, how much he meant to him, how important his existence was for him. Even if the love had been one-sided, it would have been better if he had just told the younger. He wanted to tell him that so desperately.

However, that was impossible.

The chance forever lost.

The snow had begun to fall faster as the day went on, the snowflakes getting bigger by the minute they were outside, walking around. Felix were mesmerized by the few snowflakes that where almost as big as his tiny hands. He begun to walk around and collect snowflakes in his hands, beaming from one ear to the other and laughing as soon a flake fell straight in his face. The whole scene was adorable and very heart-warming, when he is looking back at it now and he had probably felt the same way that day too, but he had never admitted it if someone had asked him. Today, he would say it out loud and would be okay with it, because it where his precious last memories of the younger. The opportunity of them making new ones forever gone. 

The adults where right when they had told him that you only know the value of something or someone as soon as you lose them, because then you actually understand what you took for granted when you lose it. It hurts even more when you know that there is no way of getting it back, no matter what. 

Back then, while he was in his thoughts about the younger, he had completely oversaw that the younger had made a snowball in his hands and threw it straight at him, missing the opportunity to doge it. It had hit him straight in the face, the cold shockingly throwing him out of his thoughts. He needed a few seconds before he was able to actually understand what had happened. Felix laughed and took off as soon as he started running after the younger, collecting snow from nearby cars to make a big snowball. From a few snowballs that they threw at each other and some running, it turned pretty fast into a snowball fight. 

Hiding behind everything that they could find.

Forming even bigger snowballs in their hands.

Hitting each other as often their ability in throwing allowed. 

When he thinks about it now, he could have foreseen the events beforehand, could have seen the signs that something was not right. The younger had begun to cough rather often, especially after the autumn had come and he was ill for a few days. In the beginning Felix had always told them that he was all right, the cold was just still affecting him and nothing more. After that, it went downhill. The younger fleet the training room as soon as he started coughing, begun to hide violent shivering fits and fevers. Felix distanced himself from them, not letting them in or letting them help. 

They should have forced him to the doctors.

But they didn’t.

That day, Felix begun to cough again rather violently after a day without, catching him off guard. He had thought that Felix was better already, had overcome his illness and was distant, because he wanted to catch up alone, to show them that he could do that. However, he wasn’t and that fact saddens his heart until this day. 

He was at the younger side rather fast, holding the violent coughing boy up right so he wouldn’t bent down. Then he saw it for the first time. The cough from the younger was not dry but wet, slime spilling over his lips with each cough. That was the moment he knew that something was not right but entirely wrong. He brought one hand up and felt the forehead of younger; it was burning hot. A fever. The younger begun to get weaker in his arms, his small hands clawing at his jacket for support while every cough shook the youngers body. 

One moment they were standing up right, the next moment Felix collapses against his chest, both of them going down onto the snowy ground. The younger had called out to him that day while he laid against him, eyes half lidded. 

“Channie… Channie-hyung?” 

While he tried to get to his smartphone to call an ambulance, the felt how the younger laid his head against his chest, a hand over his heart. The fingers of the younger seemingly shaking. 

“Yes, Felix?” 

He asked back, showing the weak boy that he was still there, still with him. 

“Next time it’s snows, we go together, as nine. Promise?” 

“I Promise.” 

His voice gave up as soon as he heard how small Felix voice was, how weak it sounded.

With the boy in his grasp, he called the ambulance that day, at the same time trying to give Felix as much heat as possible in such an environment. When the ambulance arrived a while after, the snow had stopped falling and they were surrounded by at least 15-centimetre new snow. It was freezing cold, their clothes already soaking wet from all the snow. 

The paramedics asked him many things he couldn’t really recall today, but one question stuck in his head like glue. 

_‘Was he recently ill?’_

He had told them that the younger had a cold a few days ago but he had seemed fine. The paramedic didn’t say anything afterwards. Probably so he wouldn't worry and break down because of it. Together with them, he drove to the nearest hospital, one the way he informed his manager about Felix condition and which hospital they would visit. The only information he got from the paramedic was that Felix would be taken to the emergency room and that it was urgent. 

Felix was taken to the emergency room shortly after and then it clicked for him, when he saw the other patents. The younger was more ill than any of them had expected because Felix had shoved them away, locked them out. They hadn’t noticed it. 

Looking back at it, the signs where so clear that he was angry with himself that he oversaw them so easily. He could have done something. He could have prevented it. He was his leader for god sake but he was so stuck up with his own problems that he had oversaw them. That day in the hospital, he noticed for the first time, how scared he was. How scared he was to lose Felix, he loved him. He couldn’t lose Felix like that.

But he did.

Felix died that day at the hospital, his body weakened to the point that the treatment he received didn’t work. 

The doctor explained later to them that Felix had a pneumonia and wasn’t treated soon enough. His death could have been prevented. 

He couldn’t forgive himself afterwards. The group told him that they were all at fault but he didn’t believe in their words. He was their leader, it was his job to look after the members and he failed. He failed so miserably. 

He missed the younger ever since, his heart longing for the younger more often than not. He missed how Felix laughed at everything, how his smile was so bright it could light up the night, the hugs he received and the cuddles they had shared. He missed how the younger would passionately dance to twice songs, the way he would always double check his pronunciation with him and how generous the younger was. Always the others first, that was Felix way of living. In the end, this way of living ended him. Felix had put the group first, his health second. No one had noticed how bad it actually was. How was that even possible when he you live together? 

While he looked outside, watching the rain pour down, he felt how tears wetted his cheeks, blurring his sight. The rain resembling the never ending storm inside of his heart.

The day Felix was put to rest, was a day full of pain and regret, his eyes not one moment dry. He looked pathetic, he really did. His sleep habits became even worse after that, he stayed up more often, cried so many times he couldn’t count them on two hands. He had refused to use makeup that day, even though the media would see him, he didn’t care. The only thing in his mind was that he didn’t deserve to look decent after what happened. He had no right to. His swollen eyes clearly visible, the dark rings under his eyes saying enough. The guilt felt so heavy on his heart that it was hard to breath. In the end, he couldn’t say a word at the funeral.

The group took a long break afterwards, not sure, if they could continue without their bright Australian. Their company decided that after seven months, they should begin to work again and they did. It took them three months to actually complete enough songs for an album, one song dedicated to Felix. 

They would release the album in two days and he wasn’t ready for it, knowing that he song he dedicated to Felix would bring him in trouble with knetz but after all he went through, he didn’t cared anymore. What was the point in arguing about his feelings?

His heart felt heavy even almost one year afterwards. The guilt was eating him up. 

Maybe that was the reason he decided to go out that day. Maybe he was a coward for abandoning his members in such a hard time but he couldn’t take it anymore. Couldn’t take the lies anymore that it would get better. Couldn’t take the lie he had told the dying Felix. Maybe all of this was the reason why he went out without telling his members or maybe there was no reason at all. Who knows.

However, Chan was never seen again afterwards.


End file.
